House Vasectomies and Other Stuff

Hi everyone!

It's been a long time since I've been able to post anything.

Really, I could tell you what happened in one sentence and be done with it. But no, I watched the Vlog/Blog streaming webcast the other day and I'm psyched! I can't wait to get back to the usual yakking that I do online and now is the perfect time to start.

First, I want to say how impressed I was with everyone at the Vlog/Blog conference. I'm also very grateful that it was available for viewing online because I was home being Mr. Mom to my three kids while my wife attended a workshop of her own. (With that in mind, I also want to take a moment to tip my hat to Teri Sentelle who has TEN kids. Teri, I don't know how you do it but I worship the ground you walk on. You give me hope that I won't lose my sanity after all.)

It was so neat to see the who's who of the deaf blogosphere at the conference. I was in awe. I was like a teenager watching the MTV music video awards: Holy smokes! It's Amy Cohen Efron! Hey, look, there's the Sandman! I was particularly thrilled to see Tayler Mayer and Jared Evans, the heart and soul of DeafRead taking their turns on the stage. You couldn't help but feel we're onto something big here. You can tell that Deaf vlogging/blogging is going to continue growing and have a great impact on the world.

Anyway...

Here's the long winded version of where I've been the past month or so:

A couple of years ago, a bunch of weeds and ivy grew out of control right outside the back of my house. It reached the point where my house looked like the wall at Wrigley Field. On one hot and sunny summer day I decided it was time to get the hedge clipper out and clear that stuff off for once and for all.

Snip snip snip snip. I was like a maestro with the hedge clipper. In record time, the wall was clean as a whistle. So dense was the brush up there that I actually found an old abandoned bird's nest. Who'da thunk my house was a haven for wayward pigeons?

Soaked with sweat -- it was a humid 95 degrees out there -- I stuffed all the trimmings into lawn bags and dumped them at the curb for trash pickup.

Finally, I could cool off in my air conditioned house. A barcalounger, a cold glass of lemonade... ahhhh, nice. But waitaminute. It wasn't so cool indoors. It was actually kind of stuffy. I checked the thermostat and noticed that the temperature was rising even though the air conditioner had been turned on. What in blue blazes?

Soon afterward my friends Colby and Neil (yes, that Neil -- our very own Deaf Firefighter buddy) stopped by for a visit. I told them what happened and we looked at the outdoor unit of the central air conditioning system. The fan wasn't moving. Upon further inspection, we could see that the wires leading from the outdoor unit to a control box had been snipped.

"What happened?" Neil wanted to know. I pointed at the hedge clipper and grinned sheepishly. In my haste to finish my yardwork, I also snipped the wires that were camouflaged amongst the weeds.

Colby looked at the disconnected wires in bemusement.

"It looks like you gave your house a vasectomy," he quipped. With some assistance from Neil and myself (okay, okay, with me standing as far away as possible), Colby fixed the problem in short time.

If you ever have a vasectomy and later decide you want it reversed, call Colby. He's a master at reconnecting wires.

Oh, that wasn't the end of it. Remember I mentioned weeds and ivy? Yes, that was poison ivy. I came down with a rash so bad my doctor had to put me on a six-day regimen of steroids.

You'd think by that point I'd no longer be permitted around household tools and appliances. Think again. It wasn't long before my wife asked me to install an extra coat rack in the closet.

I drilled some holes in the wall. Except for one hole I had to struggle with, everything went well and I actually did get a coat rack up there. (Hallelujah! Move over Tim Allen, it's Deaf Tool Time!)

All was fine and dandy until I went downstairs to clean the litter box. I was horrified to find the most disgusting mess I'd ever seen. The entire box was soaked. The litter looked like a thick glob of wet cement. As for the odor... words could not describe it. "Rancid" doesn't even do it justice.

"Geez, Lucky," I said to my cat. "What in the world did you eat today?"

I cleaned the mess and filled up the box with a fresh new supply of kitty litter.

A few hours later, the same disgusting smell emanated from the basement closet once again. I investigated and found the exact same mess as before. I thought my cat had explosive diarrhea.

This scene actually repeated itself two more times before I figured out what actually happened. There was a leak coming from a hole in the ceiling directly above the litter box. A repairman had to be called to fix the problem.

"For godsakes," my brother-in-law Gene later explained, "If you're ever drilling a hole in the wall and you feel the drill hit something, stop."

Yes, I had drilled a hole right through a PVC pipe. Nice, huh?

But we never learn, do we? Recently my wife and I decided to install a new floor in the living room. We wanted to get rid of the old carpet and replace it with hardwood flooring. Had we hired a pro to do it, it probably would have taken four hours. Instead, my wife and I are doing it ourselves. And you know what a great handyman I am.

And that, my friends, is where I've been the past month.

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