I Dated a Deaf Porn Star

It was poker night at Harry’s house when he decided to surprise us with his copy of Deaf Bunny’s Naughty Deaf Roommates. Soon after he turned on the DVD player, my jaw hit the floor.

Ohmigod, it’s HER! I can’t believe this! Why does every woman I date go stark-raving mad? Oh, the humanity!

My buddies were laughing so hard at my angst that tears were running down their faces. As they peppered me with empty beer cans, I got up and—

Oh, please!

You didn’t fall for that, did you? I hope not.

For all you voyeurs out there, I’m sorry to disappoint you. There are no porn stars in my life. But a group of my friends actually were talking about Deaf Bunny in a different context. Among the participants in this conversation was a lawyer.

In a nutshell, Deaf Lawyer said Deaf Bunny probably won't be able to enforce their threat to take legal action against anyone who recognizes and discloses the names of its actors.

Don’t get me wrong—we empathize with any individual’s desire for privacy outside of the spotlight. We know that privacy (or lack thereof) can sometimes be a big issue in the Deaf world (more on that in a minute).

It’s just that from a legal standpoint, there’s not much you can do if you put yourself in the public eye. People are eventually going to learn more about you. In fact, let me demonstrate by revealing some interesting names:

Ringo Starr: Richard Starkey.

Madonna: Madonna Louise Ciccone Ritchie.

Snoop Dogg: Cordozar Calvin Broadus, Jr.

Eminem: Marshall Bruce Mathers III.

Cher: Cherilyn Sarkisian LaPierre.

Hulk Hogan: Terry Gene Bollea.

Larry the Cable Guy: Daniel Lawrence Whitney.

All of the above info was readily available in Wikipedia. It’s really not that hard to find out who’s who.

It's the nature of the world we live in. If there's anything scandalous you wish to keep private, odds are sooner or later someone's going to find out. And the more famous you are, the greater the odds (see Clinton, Bill. Or even Cosby, Bill.)

The Deaf world is no different. It may even be worse. And this leads to our next topic:

A day or so after my pals discussed our right to privacy (or lack thereof), I found myself in a similar conversation with another friend. The subject drifted towards privacy (or lack thereof) in certain deaf schools.

It’s no secret that some of the best deaf schools are the ones where a significant number of students come from deaf families. Obviously, in such families there are no language delays. A deaf school with a large number of DODs is thus usually able to maintain high academic standards.

But if you’re a deaf person and you put your deaf kid in a deaf school, there’s a price you’re going to pay. It’s at the expense of your privacy. As my friend explained it, it works like this:

Dad: So, Johnny, how was your first week at school?

Johnny: Awesome.

Dad: Better than mainstream school, eh?

Johnny: (Snickers) Oh, yeah. Ooooh, yeah.

Dad: What’s so funny?

Johnny: Nothing. (Smirks)

Dad: Well, tell me, did you make any new friends?

Johnny: (Starts giggling uncontrollably) Uh-huh. Yep.

Dad: WHAT’S SO FREAKING FUNNY???

Johnny: Mike said his dad knows you. He said he shaved your eyebrows one night after you passed out drunk.

Dad: Okay, so I had bad judgment once. What else did you learn?

Johnny: Jeff said you and his dad were in the same fraternity. He said one time the two of you streaked down Florida Avenue wearing nothing but jockstraps and Bison football helmets. Said you stole the helmets and later got caught. The athletic director made you clean toilets with a toothbrush.

Dad: Okay, that’s enough.

Johnny: Steve said his dad used to date my mom. What does “wild tongue hockey” mean?

Dad: I said, that’s enough!

Johnny: And Lorie said her mom used to have the wildest crush on you. She brought in pictures from back when you went to Tijuana and—

Dad: SHADDAP!!!

Ugh. My kid would like to go to a deaf school and we’re seriously looking into it. We support him 100 percent. But first, I think I need to get my name legally changed. Privacy (or lack thereof) is a bummer, isn’t it?

Editor's note: The original title of this article was supposed to be Privacy (Or Lack Thereof). But Drolz went out and made a stupid bet with a friend of his that I Dated a Deaf Porn Star would result in a phenomenally higher number of hits than anything ever written on this website. It's a follow-up to the equally insane Naked Vlogger Experiment that raised some eyebrows a year or so ago. What can we say, human nature just fascinates us.